"A favorite of birds" means to avoid planting near cars, sidewalks, or clotheslines.
"Grows more beautiful each year" means "Looks like roadkill for the foreseeable future."
"Zone 5 with protection" is a variation on the phrase "Russian roulette."
"May require support" means your daughter's engineering degree will finally pay off.
"Moisture-loving" plants are ideal for landscaping all your bogs and swamps.
"Carefree" refers more to the plant's attitude than to your workload.
"Vigorous" is code for "has a Napoleonic compulsion to take over the world."
"Grandma's Favorite" -- until she discovered free-flowering, disease-resistant hybrids.
Two men were talking one day. "My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market garden," said the first man.
"So were you able to find some?" the second man asked.
"Well when I got to the market, I asked the gardener, 'These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'"
The first man continued, "The gardener said: 'No, you'll have to do that yourself.'"
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times.
One spring morning, my husband and I were in the garden looking at the flowers he had just planted. As luck would have it, a bird flew over us leaving his calling card on my clean white shirt.
When I showed my husband, he didn't miss a beat and said, "You know, Dear, they sing for most folks."
I used to impale the heads of door-to-door sales people on pikes in the garden as a warning to others ... until I learned that it's bad Feng Shui.
"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants, twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked. "Any luck with the tomatoes?"
"No," she replied excitedly. "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash it.
Did you hear about the new household cleaner just on the market called "Bachelor?" It works fast, and leaves no ring.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Top Ten Signs You Have Gone Over the Garden Edge.....
10. Your favorite poem is "Roses are Red, Violets are Blue.
9. Your kids are named Rose, Violet, Daisy and Zucchini.
8. You have 8 X 10 family pictures of your Tomatoes and Peppers on your office shelf.
7. Your idea of Saturday Date Night is going out in the garden and hand pollinating the plants.
6. You think a cocktail is liquid fertilizer.
5. You rush home from work and go straight to the garden and hug your roses. (Ouch!) Then, you go in to your house and see you family.
4. On Christmas Eve, visions of "Sugar Peas" dance in your head.
3. After the first frost, you are seen holding funeral services in your garden.
2. You take your kids multiple vitamins from them to use as a supplement to your plants fertilizer.
And, the number one sign that you have gone over the garden edge is..
Gardening's Better Than Sex
Here are the top reasons why gardening is better than sex:
#25 - Gardeners are not embarrassed explaining the birds and the bees to their kids.
#24 - If your regular gardening partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you garden with someone else.
#23 - It's absolutely acceptable to garden before you're married.
#22 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against gardening.
#21 - You don't have to shower and shave before gardening.
#20 - You'll always be able to garden, no matter how old you are.
#19 - You'l never hear anyone say: "Is gardening all you ever think about?"
#18 - You don't have to hide your Gardening magazines.
#17 - Telling gardening jokes, and invite co-workers to garden with you is not considered workplace harassment.
#16 - Email with gardening content is not considered offensive material.
#15 - When you become famous, you don't have to worry about pictures and videotapes of you gardening being shown on the Internet.
#14 - Your gardening partner doesn't get upset about people you gardened with a long time ago.
#13 - It's perfectly respectable to enjoy gardening with a total stranger.
#12 - When you see a really good gardener, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you gardening together.
#11 - Every time you garden, you hope to produce fruit.
#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you garden by yourself.
#9 - When dealing with a gardening pro, you never have to wonder if they're really an undercover cop.
#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy gardening stuff.
#7 - You can have a gardening related calendar on your wall at the office.
#6 - There are no gardening-transmitted diseases.
#5 - No one objects if you watch the gardening channel on television.
#4 - Nobody expects you to garden with the same person your whole life.
#3 - Nobody expects you to give up gardening if your partner loses interest.
#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity. #1 - Your partner will never say, "Not again? We just gardened last week! "
Always try to grow in your garden some plant or plants out ofthe ordinary, something your neighbors never attempted. For you can receive no greater flattery than to have a gardener of equal intelligence stand before your plant and ask, "What is that?" - Richardson Wright